I spent six years to love him, and him only being my first love. He was the only person that knew me that well, the only person that I could trust. After all that we had been through, I never thought I could feel what I felt at the end of my relationship with him. I still don’t know why and how to describe it; it just went off. I was falling out of love and saddened by it at the same time. I asked myself, and all my friends asked me, how could you just end it? I still don’t freakin know. He didn’t do anything wrong that time, actually for the first time in our on-off years of relationship, that was the first time I actually felt that he was trying to make it work. Weird, right? At that time, all I wanna do was to take care of myself, to feel happy, and maybe because I was having the time of my life twelve thousand kilometers away from him. Maybe that was the reason. I realized that I could be on my own, that I shouldn’t rely my happiness on someone else’s presence. And I chose to go.
Sometimes I asked myself how could I be so cold-hearted? After that break-up, I wasn’t looking for a relationship. Some part of me literally thought that love is superficial because if it isn’t, then I wouldn’t feel the numbness towards the end of my relationship with the one that I claimed as my first and forever love. I wasn’t sad at all. Instead, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I was finally taking care of myself. I thought it would be a long way to go before I finally feel ready to be in another relationship. But then, only a month after the break-up I met a guy, my latest ex, the one that got away…..
When I said I wasn’t sure of the existence of love, it didn’t mean that I was totally not into the excitement of getting to know someone new. After the break -up and in the hype of modern dating era, I gave online dating a try. And boy, I didn’t have any expectation. Why would I? In the midst of all those thirsty shirtless guys, the chance of meeting your prince charming is below 0,1%. But I got lucky, I met him. He didn’t text me any inappropriate stuff, and he was cool and all so I agreed to meet him in person. And I was starstruck! right from the very first time I met him in real life. He respects me, he has this laugh that I can still somehow imagine the sound of it, he got this smart but kind of bad and also kind of mysterious and also kind of mature but also kind of laid-back persona.
He was my prince charming for the whole 9 months we were together. We already knew that it would not be an easy one from the very first start. I was just studying there and only got less than a year time left. But he convinced me to give it a try. From the outside, he might seem cold, distant, and too cool to be true, but he is actually sweet, he remembers all the little things I’ve told him. He might not the kind of guy who constantly showering me with sweet words and compliments, but when he did, I knew that he really meant it. He wasn’t an expressive boyfriend, and at first, it was a bit hard for him to open up with me. But bits by bits he opened up to me. And that is why I fall in love with him, and I thought that somehow we could work it out. It was when everything in him told him not to take a chance, but he took it anyway with me. It was when he made me feel like I was special, that I was worth the efforts. And all I wanted was to be there for him, no matter how hard it was. But we lost the fight.
When I think about those days after we broke up, I can even still remember how I felt, the pain and emptiness in my chest. He taught me a lot, he added the light and colors to my life. 9 months might be not that long, but I think what I had with him was special and it always warms my heart whenever I remember the memories we had. I went back to my home country about a month after the break-up, and even six months after that, I still have the faith that we would see each other again. And it happened. We met again two months ago. We spent times together. Before I took off back to home, I told him that if by any chance we meet again and we still feel the same, I hope that we’ll be brave enough to take another chance on us. At this point, I am not that sad anymore about us, I do really wish him all the best, and happiness and contentment in his life. And I literally just gonna let fate works for us, if we are meant to be, I don’t know how, when, or where, I’m sure we’ll find our way to be together again. But if not, I hope we will only cherish the time we had together, and be truly happy with ourselves and with the one that is meant for us. I am not gonna lie, but I think he will always have a special space in my heart. He is my everglow.
Since I broke up with him, whenever I think about love or what I am looking for, all I know was that I need more time to be in a serious relationship, to be in love with someone again. I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, I wasn’t expecting someone’s full attention. But I guess they are right when they say that you’ll find it when you’re not looking for it. I met this guy, this unexpected and amazing guy, the reason for my aching heart because he is so freakin far away.
I met him about a month ago, right when I am at the crazy phase of my life. I was at a bar with my friends, and he’s the brother of my friend’s boyfriend. They both were just here for two weeks holiday. I was just being me at that time, and wasn’t expecting me and him would turn into something else. He is the most adorable person ever. Years ago I read a quote ‘Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic’, and that is how he makes me feel. We only spent a couple days together, but I guess we are really connected. He is super sweet and nice, and I don’t feel like I have to hold back whenever I am with him, in real life or virtually. We only spent a little time together here in my country, but when he flew back to his home, my heart literally shattered into pieces, I cried for some weird feeling inside my heart. That is how I realized that I am falling in love with him. I thought it was just a fling, but I was wrong. He makes me believe in love again. He is my lighthouse.
I know it’s weird that just another month ago I saw my latest ex and talked about that faith in fate. But heart and mind is a mystery you could never resolve. It works in its own way, and hopefully for a better reason. So yeah no matter how much you feel the hurt and the numbness of that emptiness in your heart, you will fall in love again. No, you won’t forget your past lovers 100%, they will always be there. I know by my heart and by my mind that I’m totally over my first love, but I still want him to always be a better person because he once held the biggest part of my life for quite a long time. For my everglow, I still do believe in fate, but more than anything I only want to see you be happy. I also want you to know that it is not only about the happy memories that we had, but more than that, I grow as a person since we were together, you gave me something more than love. And now, for the person who warms my heart but at the same time makes me cry because of the distance between us, I don’t know what will happen to us, I don’t even know whether we will have a stable relationship, not only because of the distance but some part of me is scared because maybe that sunset warm feeling we had, when we spend times together, blinded us. But in spite of that, I just feel it is right. The thing we have now. And thank you that in the midst of those wavy life circumstances, you came and become my lighthouse.
